What Would Little Yardayna Think?

I recently overheard body shaming comments from a fitness leader. I was stunned: the person who is supposed to be the motivator, the empowerer, and the potential healer of body image and self-esteem issues, commenting on someone’s body who is “less fit” than hers. How would her clients feel knowing she had these internal judgements, I wondered? While most people would also be stunned to hear these comments, they would simply brush them off. I, however, had a reaction disproportionate to the situation: crying for hours, debating my new path in the fitness industry, questioning my self confidence and if anyone would take me seriously as a future fitness leader.

I needed to look inward and understand where these feelings surfaced from.

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6-year-old Yardayna, sitting on the bus on her way home from school. A boy a few years older than her approached her and called her fat, right to her face. She went home crying to her mom, afraid to see him again on the bus the next day.

8-year-old Yardayna, in a dance class preparing for the dance recital. She was advised to stand in the back right corner for the entirety of the dance. Her taller and larger body shouldn’t distract from the “ideal” dancers’ bodies that were placed in the front and center.

10-year-old Yardayna, surrounded by boys and girls huddled in the eating hall of sleep-away camp. All of her friends were getting “asked out” by the boys to go on the camp-version of a date. She was the only one who wasn’t pursued because she was bigger. She wrote a letter to her mom later that night in tears, feeling unwanted by those surrounding her.

13-year-old Yardayna, starting to take her health seriously, running on the treadmill for an hour everyday to “get skinny” so boys would like her, so she could fit into her crowd of thinner friends, borrow their clothing on sleepovers and not feel embarrassed of her size L and XL clothing.

17-year-old Yardayna, getting tired of being “the funny one,” knowing that she is so much more than that. Wanting to be recognized for the work that she is doing both physically and mentally.

19-year-old Yardayna, figuring out that if she ate as little carbs as possible, she could get skinny. She avoided any ounce of bread and sugar throughout her year of traveling. She missed out on international food delicacies for fear of gaining weight. She thought she would never enjoy traveling because she would dare not put pizza or pasta in her mouth.

20-year-old Yardayna, recently moved to New York for college. She secretly hated nightlife because of her insecurities wearing “tight” and “sexier” clothing, but sucked it up because she wanted to be with her friends. She always felt like the “bigger one” in the bars and clubs, feeling overlooked. She feared being turned away from exclusive places because she didn’t have the “ideal” body type.

23-year-old Yardayna, finally feeling incredibly confident in herself. Realizing that exercising is not a punishment, and it makes her feel strong. Liking the way her body has changed, but doesn’t exercise with the intentions of boys liking her. Still struggles with her body image, but hones in on so many of her other strong qualities that have nothing to do with her body or the way she looks.

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I understand why I was so triggered by the instructor’s words: they surfaced years of bottled-up insecurities and feelings of rejection. The confident 23-year-old was suddenly thrown back to her bus ride home as a 6-year-old being told she was fat. I have worked on overcoming those insecurities and feelings of being lesser-than for years, and one comment threw me over the edge. I started thinking all the unhealthy and restrictive thoughts: people will only take me seriously if I lose more weight, get more cut, have a toned stomach and flab-less arms. Otherwise, no one will listen to me.

It took some empowering words from friends and family to extract me from my funk and remind me of my purpose. “Change the culture – be the change. It’s your purpose and calling! It is what you are meant to do.”

They were right.

My mission is to challenge the conventional perceptions of being fit, that “fitness” is only inviting for a certain body type. My mission is to empathize with those with body image and body confidence issues, and work with them to overcome those feelings through finding a love for movement. My mission is to create an inviting and inclusive space for people to find their strength. My mission is to prove that athletes and fitness leaders are not molded into one body type, and that strength–both mental and physical–looks different on every person. My mission is to do what I love the most in the world–connect with and empower others, helping them pave their path towards finding inner self-confidence. Little Yardayna would be proud that she has grown into a kick ass woman, ready to pursue her calling and be the change.